I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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