Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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