Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
