my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
