My friends, they love my intelligence
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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