Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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