man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
