we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
