I wish I could punch you in the face.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
