FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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