So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
