nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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