that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
