I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize