I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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