i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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