You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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