I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
