Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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