Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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