The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
