I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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