I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
