My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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