Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
