phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
