take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
this boner is exhausting
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
