your parents love me but you hate me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
