stop calling my apartment porn island.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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