I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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