I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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