It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
