I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
