He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
