I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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