OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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