I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
