best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
