If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think my fart just growled at me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
