I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You made out with two different species that night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
