I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize