you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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