I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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