Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
