What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
