Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
