I feel great
I just peed on a car
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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