My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
