Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize