I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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