I just pynch a tree in the face
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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