this just has baby written all over it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
