Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
