I've blown a few things in my day
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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