Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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