He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
